


Atone

by Soraya (soraya2004), soraya2004



Series: Scenes from a courtship [5]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-19
Updated: 2006-11-19
Packaged: 2017-10-14 19:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/152761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soraya2004/pseuds/Soraya, https://archiveofourown.org/users/soraya2004/pseuds/soraya2004
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The road to forgiveness is difficult to walk alone</p>
            </blockquote>





	Atone

  
He has always had a good understanding of the mechanics of guilt. As a doctor, he understands the psychology behind it, how the seeds lain at childhood ultimately determine how guilt will take root and weave its way into a conscience. And, no matter how different that path is for each person he meets, it's something he has always been able to see and feel. Living on Atlantis only hones that ability. It's easier now to predict which events will trigger that emotion in those around him, and which will flow right through leaving barely a trace of remorse. So much easier that after almost two years of watching the white side of their ethics slide into grey, Carson finds he's becoming something of an expert at handling guilt.

As long, of course, as the guilt is not his own.

To everyone else, he knows exactly what to say, and whenever someone turns to him, heavy-eyed and shoulders stooped with shame, he finds a way to ease their burdens with an honest compassion free from judgement. It's a skill that's increasingly important, because there are no priests on Atlantis, only a handful of therapists to cater to a few hundred soldiers and scientists under extreme levels of stress. People, who, like him, are being forced to take those ethically grey decisions for _the greater good_ on a regular basis.

That he takes them now with relative ease is perhaps what disturbs him the most. He wonders what it says about him that he too can sideline his conscience so effectively. Still, as he reflects on how far they've all walked from the kind of people they claim to be, he wonders if it's possible to retrace those steps. One thing he knows is that the path gets more slippery the further they slide away from high-ground, and a part of him is terrified that if they slide much further, soon there'll be little to distinguish them from the evil they fight against.

The tracks of his own downfall trail back to one distinct moment. And, while he waits for Ronon to come to him, he lets his guilt lead him back there on a scenic tour through the gallery of rosy pictures he has painted of what might have been had he done things differently. What he remembers about that moment is how the choice he made was less of a measured decision and more of a gut response. It was far more than handing over a drug, which he _knew_ would make an irrational addict even more violent. There was also the crushing despair of standing in his infirmary, long past the brink of exhaustion, looking round at all the death and chaos, and wondering just how much more of it he could take. He remembers then how he looked at a man and saw a monster, not a frightened soul who needed his help, and how, in that split second of weakness, he gave up on a friend.

The guilt gnaws at him in the silent spaces of his mind, and it's made even worse by the reality that no one will ever blame him for what he did. After all, Ford _had_ pointed a gun at him; he'd shot at him and threatened to kill him. Yet, Carson knows things would be so much simpler if those had been the reasons why he'd given up. For him, the road to forgiveness is complicated, because the very people he needs to absolve him have strayed further than he has. And, if no one on Atlantis can grant him absolution, then Carson prays the choice he's making _now_ is a way to find some peace of mind.

He's not entirely sure when he started to see Ronon as his chance at redemption. All he knows is that at some point after Ronon's trail ran cold, what he had to do became horribly clear. The parallels are undeniable; like Ford, Ronon will be lost to them if he doesn't find a way to heal him. Yet, Ronon is a thousand times more deadly and more dangerous than Aiden Ford will ever be, and the paranoid, hallucinating Ronon he needs to treat may just kill him in the process.

Carson is determined not to give up this time. He knows nothing will make the past right, but this way at least he can try to take a few steps back toward the kind of man he wants to be. So, he sits alone in the infirmary, waiting, offering himself up as bait in this strange hunt. Because, this is the only idea they have left to draw Ronon out, and everyone knows that Ronon won't be found unless he wants to be found.

In the end, when Ronon comes for him, as he knew Ronon would, Carson doesn't flinch, even when Ronon claps a hand over his mouth and drags him into the shadows. He can feel the unnatural heat rolling off Ronon's skin, the violent tremors in Ronon's arms and legs. Still, he doesn't waver when Ronon stares at him with fever-bright eyes, or when Ronon starts to talk in tongues of madness. And, even though Ronon struggles with him now, and he's so very scared, Carson is determined not to let go of _this_ friend he cares so much for. One way or another, he'll see this through to the end no matter where it leads him.

  
The End.  



End file.
